JZ and Lovesickness

I have a massive headache.

And that’s as good a place as any to finally start putting my thoughts down on this blog.

You see, I got drunk last night. I didn’t drink much, two glasses of wine, two beers and two shots……..okay, that’s actually more than enough to do the job. The amount of alcohol I drank isn’t disturbing, nor the hangover I have today, or the accompanying headache. It’s the Why that disturbs me. I’m having a hard time handling my feelings, so I turned to The Drink as a coping mechanism.

Let me explain.

I’ve been seeing this woman for almost 3 months. We both agreed at the outset that this would be a casual affair, nothing complicated or serious, and that we were free to see other people. Fine, I thought, this will give me a chance to continue to practice my Pick Up Artist techniques, date these other women I’ve met and still go to strip clubs guilt free. I won’t lie to her, but I won’t tell her ALL of the truth either, I rationalised.

So, off we went.

By the end of the first month we had bonded. She had a small emotional moment when I unexpectedly had to leave the country for a short period, but quickly collected herself and we picked up right where we left off when I returned. Without realizing it, I had stopped going to strip clubs and was seeing less and less of these other women. I just wasn’t interested.

By the end of the second month we were using pet names for each other and showing public displays of affection. I also stopped seeing anyone else but her, purposely ending contact with all of the other women. Every time we got together (which is once per week) I gave her a greeting card with one of my favourite quotes hand written inside by me. We were no longer fucking, but were instead making love and regularly having an orgasm at the same time.

It’s now almost three months and I’m starting to feel a little guilty about practicing the Pick Up Artist techniques, but no longer try and get phone numbers. At this stage, I’m really just interested in the social interaction with my friends and being part of the group.

Last Friday, however, was like a punch to the gut. We got together as normal for food, sex and entertainment; basically, just enjoying each other’s company. At the end of the interaction, something snapped. I caught a glimpse of What Could Be. I felt……..love. I wanted to tell her, but fell silent instead. She noticed and asked, are you tired? To which I responded, no. I then watched her disappear into the night.

I couldn’t sleep, eventually managing to catch 2 hours early the next morning. She dominated my thoughts and I kept thinking, what the fuck am I going to do now? It’s been a few days since that night and I’m clearly lovesick. I’m having trouble eating, I’m anxious, my mood swings up and down…….I’m actually in disbelief that I’m feeling this way. This is complete bullshit! It was supposed to be a low maintenance affair, but my heart is telling me it’s more than that now.

In any case, it came to a head last night. I just needed a break from the lovesickness and used alcohol to facilitate it. Unfortunately, it backfired because as soon as my body burned through the booze, I woke up. That was 3am this morning. I’ve been awake ever since.

So, what happens next? The way I see it I have three options:

  1. Tell her how I feel and hope she reciprocates. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t feel the same way, so this has a chance of ending the affair.
  2. Keep my big mouth shut and ride it out. I’ll get over this lovesickness eventually, right?
  3. End it out of a sense of self preservation. It may be best to walk away and heal now, so I am mentally and emotionally available when Ms. Right does appear.

Options 1 and 3 are almost the same, with all three options being similar in that there is a bit of pain attached to each action. The last thing I wanted to do was get hurt.

I’m going to sleep on it and tackle this again in the morning. I’m seeing her on Friday, so I have a couple of days to make a decision.………

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