So, that ended quite badly. I don’t know what upset me more, my uncharacteristically bad (but understandable) behaviour, or the fact that I was so easily manipulated. Or, I that let myself be manipulated (?). In any case, lesson learned. The signs were there and I chose to ignore them – which shows how desperate I was for affection. Any kind of affection. I need to make better choices going forward. I also need to take care of myself in the relationship and not give away all my power – I mean, put the other person’s needs before mine – which I did in absolute terms.
In relationships I need to have an explicit conversation about how we can meet each other’s needs.
I need to focus more on the enjoyment of the process, rather than being solely outcome driven.
I need to take the time to be aware of the process instead of driving relationships to a desired outcome or specific target.
I need to understand how to enjoy the relationship without it being based upon the outcome.
I understand that I am always subconsciously looking for the threat in a relationship, I naturally measure threat levels for potential emotional harm.
I need to proactively challenge the idea of (any kind of) relationships as a threat as opposed to passively waiting for something to happen.
I need to proactively engage the moment.
I need to feel genuine when engage with others rather than just doing it.
I need to share more of myself with the people that I meet and then let them respond accordingly.
I understand that it takes the pressure to have my needs met off of me if I share myself with them first.
I understand that creating a test is artificial, rather I should allow people to react to what I have shared with them.
I understand that if I share myself and my needs are not met then I am okay and it is an opportunity to practice forgiveness.
I understand that an absolute outlook creates an environment of no hope and frustration.
I need to create a life that is not absolute and concrete – I need to create reasonable alternatives.
I need to challenge the absolute notion that I have to meet someone in Toronto.
I need to embrace forgiveness for what I did on that Friday night – and from there learn to forgive myself for any future mistakes.
I need to create a life that embraces/values/creates flexibility and a new viewpoint which is reasonable.
This is just a part of it. I may post the rest later, but for now (and after 2 years) I need to move on, apply the lessons I learned and try not to make the same mistake again.